Conned twice

Juicelog Sun 300406: God. It happened again. Can’t believe I got tricked yet again. Somehow I managed to let myself get tricked into snogging yet another fittie. In all fairness it was partly my fault because I let myself smile at Ryan (floppy haired 26yo New York solicitor with matching 8 pack) and encouraged him with a modicum of finger waggling.

It was only after a session of heavy lips and tongue abuse that I realised I had been conned and fallen for that classic timeless routine. I feel such a fool for being deceived twice in the last four weeks. There is no way I am going to be caught out a third time. Mark my words.

The inevitable fast

Juicelog Sun 300406: I heated up four of my closest mates (Cynthia, Marvin, Clitty and 3B) with their first dose of Later @ Fire this afternoon. Whist they may have developed a taste for the premier church substitute I’m going to begin my season of disco fasting to concentrate on how best to construct an action plan of bettering myself. The last two years has just merged into one big ball of complacency with very little in the way of acquiring new skills, interests and knowledge. We ended our last work salsa lesson last Thursday with an introduction to cha-cha and bachata. This has left me hungry for more. Have got something planned for next Wednesday. Let’s see if this gets my juices flowing!

Queen's Rave

Juicelog Sat 290406: Festivities for the London version of Queen’s Day took place today at the Inner Temple Gardens (near Temple tube station). As gay as Queen’s Day sounds this was not one of those events. It was more of an occasion to celebrate Holland's Queen Mother’s birthday. In attendance tonight were mainly Dutch folk (many of whom were displaying an item of orange clothing), a few ravers and a tiny splattering of homme-oh-sexuals (i.e. Paedo Pipz, Daddy Dick and myself).

Paedo couldn’t get enough of the evening and conversing with every Dutch speaking person he got his hands on. It was easy to see why he was so smitten with the Dutch as they came across as being extremely easy going people. Whilst I was queuing at the bar a 20 something semi cutie from Eindhoven (Michael) was talking to me and then halfway through our conversation he just unexpectedly asked me “are you gay because you sound quite gay?”. This made me chuckle. After showing him my homo badge he then told me he wasn’t a fan of cock but he thought gay people were cool. Usually I would have been slightly affronted by such a statement, but humanely I overlooked his remark as I think what he was trying to tell me was “I myself am not a batty rider but your booty has surely got one of the finest collection of cock prints I have ever seen in my life” but somehow his point got lost in the translation somewhere. Towards the end of the conversation I even got a big puckered lip kiss from him. He aimed to kiss me on my lips but as I didn’t want to waste my Molten Brown lipbalm on him, I elegantly swerved 45 degrees to the left and executed an air kiss.

Inside the gardens a marquee tent was erected with the sounds being provided by Don Diablo (yummy DJ number eine) and Michel de Hey (not so yummy DJ number eine). Music was absolutely brilliant as Don Diablo dropped a funky set which was as virtuoso as a DJ could possibly get. Electro house was the spine on which he used to deliver his musical odyssey. A handful of ol’ hip hop, RNB, pop & rock tracks got thrown into the mix in as well. The evening terminated with people jumping up and down whilst screaming out wahoooo to Blur’s ‘Song 2’ (Granite & Phunk Fcuk Deluxe Mix) and humming that infamous guitar bassline to White Stripes ‘Seven Nation Army’ (Adam Freeland Remix).

Long live the queen and all those who party in her…..

The games that people play

Juicelog Fri 280406: There is a small internal bruise on my left elbow which was not the result of carpet burns. But that’s another story. Greedy ol’ me managed to squeeze in quite a bit today. Eased myself into the weekend with a glimpse at Tibetian monks (from the Tashi Lhunpo Monastery) creating a sand mandala at Asia House. Quite a skilled art in terms of the physical effort required as well as an amazingly steady hand. As the mandala was due to be destroyed tomorrow at 11am what we saw today was a piece near completion.

Ruben & Julian hosted a video games evening which I gathered would entail a lot of wrist action on the ol’ games console. What took place was a lot of arduous jumping, spinning and frenetic body movement in front of a playstation camera.



David M started our evening off with a discussion about how one should pronounce the word homosexual (apparently it was more of a “homme-o-sexual” than “home-o-sexual”). Even when Ruben whipped his dictionary we weren’t convinced with David’s elocution lesson.

Moving from gadgets and gays we then went retro engaging the group in a challenging game of Family Fortunes. As we had a big turnout tonight our familes were slightly on the extended side (just think of it as the standard ITV quiz show relaxing their rule about allowing incestuous offspring to be included as well). Les Dennis unfortunately couldn’t make it to be with us tonight but his presence wasn’t required as we had our own incorrect buzzer to accompany our wonderful quizmeisters (David & Nigel). Alex didn’t allow us to have an easy game by slowing down our cognitive functions therby making it even more difficult for us to think like your average 80’s ITV viewer.

Take Me Away

Juicelog Tues 250406: My tan is beginning to fade. My mood is beginning to dip again. Anyone fancy taking me away (anywhere apart from Egypt)?

a little spark from a burnt fag

Juicelog Sat 220406: My name has always been my unique trademark. It’s so goddamn good that they have named a club in my honour. I can’t wait till the high streets start selling Juicy tape measures, pipettes and eau de toilette.

Whilst I was doing the guestlist thing last night at Popstarz I got the usual cheeky response from the doorperson. As I was picking up my ticket from him I also found out there was an “Ashtray” on Dennis’s guestlist. That must be one of the unsexiest names I’ve heard in quite a while. Even though it scores points on the memorable front, I’m not sure if this is a moniker that can be used when singing happy birthday. Dennis T really really needs to give Ashtray a slap with my name glove as I quite simply refuse to share a guestlist with such an unimaginative individual.

relaxing without wax

Juicelog Fri 210406: Had a slightly frenzied morning trying to prepare my notes on a presentation I was giving to a bunch of service users at midday today. Speaking to a large group of mental health patients is not something I’ve done before and so was slightly nervous. My topic was talking about a crisis card I had designed (back a year ago) for the services in the borough of Kensington and Chelsea. Today I went along to find out exactly what people thought of the crisis card and what needed to be incorporated into the next version. The talk went smoothly with a few irrelevant questions thrown in. I now know what I definitely need to improve upon next time round and felt like I picked up a new communication skill.

Thoroughly enjoyed my first ever Indian head massage after my talk. It messed up my hair (next time round I will need to put a lot less wax before attending one of these forums). The effects of the head massage kicked in about 2 hours afterwards as I felt extremely sleepy. A nice chilled way to end the working week.

Alex A Part II

Juicelog Tues 180406: Here are the pics from Alex A’s housewarming party which Kornelia got Paul (her hubby) to e-mail me.

DE Experience

Juicelog Mon 170406: This afternoon I Hung out with the Ibiza posse plus 2 new additions: Slade (Brad’s stateside friend) and Pang (David M’s flava of the month). We had a scrumptious lunch at White Hart (gastro pub) which seemed to be attracting a large chunk of the Vauxhall gay boy crowd. After scoffing down our food (mine was a steak fillet and bannofie pie) we strolled on down to SW9 to the institution that is the Dame Edna Experience.

The Dame Edna Experience isn’t an act I’ve seen before but what makes it worth checking out is the atmosphere created by the regular attendees and the lyrics she’s come up with for well known songs (old and contemporary). There are a few in jokes which zoomed over my head. Her range and delivery of singing is definitely above amateur level. She could have done with more gags and less of the karaoke stuff.

After the act had finished I found out who Paul’s number one fan was. Paul got a tad bit nervous when his stalker started to lovingly gaze at him from about a metre away.

Same time, same place, different Sunday

Juicelog Sun 160406: Some of you folks live to worship lord of the rings. Some of you folks would love to be the lord of my ring. I on the other hand like to thank the almighty lord for Sunday afternoons…..

Blast from the class

Juicelog Sat 150406: Bumped into somebody from my not so shady past this afternoon. Whilst I was at the checkout paying for my 100% pure cotton cream coloured bed linen the checkout girl (Louise) looked up to me and said “you went to Sheen School didn’t ya”. I felt slightly ashamed when she asked me this question. Not by the fact that I attended Sheen school but because I didn't work out who she was straight away.

Louise was actually in my goddamn friggin’ class and one of the very few people that I actually didn’t mind being in a class with. She more or less looked the same but a bit slimmer. I was quite amazed that she managed to recognise me even though I had my cap on. As there was a queue behind me I didn’t get a chance to chit chat with her. Just in case you’re wondering the thread count of my bed linen was an indulgent 220.

Summer Selector

Juicelog Friday 140306: Good Friday is just over there. If you're looking for Summer it is about three blocks away from here. To get your booty to da neighbourhood of rays I'd recommend taking the following route:

Michael Gray - Borderline
DJ Jose - Stepping To The Beat (Dave Mcdonald Mix)
Eric Benet - Spanish Fly
Leela James - Music (Richard Earnshaw Mix)
Reel Soul - I Get A Feeling (DJ Will Soul Vocal)
Mayhem and Musaphia - Helps Me Thru (Vocal Mix)
Dianne Reeves - How High The Moon
Kathy Brown - Get Another Love (Warren Clarke Mix)

For prices and availability of bespoke tours to meet your seasonal affective disorder needs, please contact your local Juice representative or swing into your nearest Sancho Panza office.

My office

Juicelog Thurs 130406: Have been focusing my artistic energy with working out to brighten up my new dull office:

Think I might need some input from Sarah Beeney!

Juicelog Wed 120406: My west facing office gives me a really nice view of the W10 area especially during the afternoon when the sun sets. When admiring the light orange glow of the sun I can also see the headquarters of the BBC as well as our local parks, residential houses and various businesses. As of tomorrow I will be in an East facing office which has a lot less natural sunlight and the backside of a plain hospital building. To help myself cope with my new dull surroundings for the next 3 months I have decided to inject as many bright colours into my office.

On my way home today a 20 something curly haired guy at the bus stop kept smiling at me. At first I wasn’t sure he was looking at me and so I looked around to see whether it was someone else he was smiling at. There weren’t any other people standing directly behind me. This prompted me to move to a different spot. But this dude in a funky brown retro leather jacket guy re-positioned himself and fired me some more grins. Now I was definitely sure he was checking me out.

Eventually mister smiley plucked up the courage and asked me “is your name Juicy?” I then worked out it was Elliott (some guy that I had met at a house party back a couple of months ago). The reason why I didn’t work out who he was straight away was because he had grown his hair out quite a bit and looked a lot taller in daylight. Found out he occupied his time as a barman-cum-sound engineer whilst dabbling with song writing on the side as well. Most of the time musicians excite me but when I quizzed him about his song writing he told me he didn’t know his chords at all and composed his music using a random experimental method.

Just before we parted he told me to call him as he had lost my number due to him changing his mobile phone. Got a funny feeling that he had deleted my number deliberately coz I was too busy to entertain him back a few months ago.

Sharm Details

Juicelog Weds 290306: Woke up extremely early as I was slightly anxious about missing my morning flight. The flight from Gatwick Airport to Sharm El-Sheikh entailed sitting next a very chatty woman and her not so chatty 10 year old son. We found out about her brother’s mental illness and an unexplained hallucinogenic moment she had once. She mentioned the hallucinogenic moment because she saw the book I was trying to read (Daniel Dennett’s “Consciousness Explained”) which Tom A. lent me at Xmas.

In Egypt the first bit of haggling we did was when we tried getting a cab from Sharm airport to our hotel (Oriental Resort). Even though it was only £10 we later on found out we got ripped off. Not much was done apart from checking out our local surroundings and absorbing a few rays of sunshine.

Cynthia decided to have a bath in the evening. On seeing the bath tub filled up with light yellow coloured water, I thought it best to go for a shower instead.

Juicelog Thurs 300306: This slightly campish Italian poof (Marc) took the yoga class this morning. He was the team leader of the Italian Animation team. Animators is the term that the holiday reps used to describe themselves. The yoga class wasn’t very challenging but as it was the first time I’ve ever done yoga in the sunshine on the beach it felt incredible. The abs and aerobics class certainly got me sweating.

The hotel (Laguna Vista) next to ours had a much prettier swimming pool than ours. Lounged about briefly before we were eventually got kicked out by this mean security guard. This didn’t stop us from coming back after dinner to take some photos of the place. It looked even more stunning in the evening.

Our plans for Cairo went down the drain as the price of the flight ticket was a lot more than we had anticipated (five times the price we were expecting). The evening was spent sniffing various essences and drinking herbal tea as one of the shopkeepers tried to persuade us into buying pricey poof juice from his shop. Luckily we managed to escape his skilled persuasive selling technique.




Juicelog Fri 310306: Overdid the sunbathing yesterday and had to resort to using yoghurt to ease the pain. Felt like retching from the stinky smell of the yoghurt.

Replaced our Cairo trip with a trip down to Sharm El-Maya (aka Old Market). We thought that allowing 4.5 hours would be plenty for our shopping trip but how wrong we were. The market wasn’t that big but we seriously underestimated the amount of time we would be spending in each shop. Bartering for a bargain took a long time as the shopkeepers more often than not held their ground. Every shopkeeper tried to drag us into their store and most of them sold very similar goods (tourist tit tat, papaya paintings, essence, shisha pipes) towards the late evening we had to start ignoring most of them (by not establishing eye contact or simply by not responding) unless we wanted to view the goods being sold in their shop.

Was looking forward to clubbing it with the Italian animators at La Dolce Vita but changed my mind when I found out the party no longer took place in the desert due to the police interference last year.

Juicelog Sat 010406: Had a relatively chilled day with sunbathing at the beach (our swimming pool was quite packed out). The evening was spent having a drink at Laguna listening to chillout music whilst taking in the beauty of the architectural beauty of the whole place.

From the brief conversations we had with the waiters we found out that they had to work really hard (8 weeks on, 2 weeks off) for very little money (about £500 a month). Most of the staff that worked in Sharm were male (there were no females that worked at our hotel). Gave a tip to our favourite waiter (Mohamid) as it was his last night tonight. I liked him because he was quite cute especially the way he pronounced “Juicy”.

Juicelog Sun 020406: Attempted to go snorkelling today but I think there was a problem with our snorkels as we both found it hard to breath under water. It was either this or we both got too claustrophobic when attempting to breath under water. Met these crazy folk at the bar (Daddy Ouzo, Jessica Rabbit and Claire).

One of the highlights for me this holiday was quad biking out in the dessert. It was the first time I’ve ever done this and I would like to try this again. It was a very liberating experience. The only downside of quad biking in a big group (in a single line) is that riding behind other people means that end up with loads of dust in your face. The camel ride was too painful and we had to do a U-turn after 5 minutes of humping it. Cynthia liked it and ventured out on her own after we got dropped off to catch the sunset. On returning from her camel ride, she told me about an incident off seeing this young girl not speaking which she felt exemplified women’s status within the Bedouwin desert.

Had a mini Michael Jackson moment tonight when a tiny bit of skin starting to peel away from my forehead and nose. Daddy Ouzo took me and Cynthia to the Camel Bar in Na’ama Bay. This bar was exactly the type of bar I like (open roof top), funky music and subdued lighting. Went crazy on the shisha pipes sucking all the apple and cherry tobacco. Daddy O’s 14yo son Elliott (who I’ve nicknamed Missy) swung by to pounce some money of his dad.






Juicelog Mon 030406: After yoga and aqua-gym we went to Sharm El-Maya again as we had unfinished retail business to tend to. Managed to spend most of my holiday money today in a shorter space of shopping time. Started to count down the remaining hours of sunshine remaining as we’re nearing the end of our holiday.

Saw some fit Italian totty today which has been a rare sight as most people at their a lot of families and oldies at the resort. Went to Laguna beach bar tonight and was once again amazed by the high standard of the hotel’s ability to create the right atmosphere and setting.

Juicelog Tues 040406: Have noticed that I’m the only cockle picker in the resort and most of the locals mistake me for being from Kazakhstan. Today I met another yellow person at the resort Selina L. and her boyfriend Matt. Really nice couple who I think I will be staying in touch with.

Most of the people that attend the aerobics class are middle aged lycra wearing German women. At the start of the lesson we have pumping house to get his moving frantically. Usually at the end of the lesson we wind down the class with slower music (usually hip hop and RNB). As we were winding down today this hip hop track came on and one of the lines was “I’m gonna kill all you motherfucking bitches”.

Decided to go as nude as possible on the beach as I wanted to ensure that my booty was tanned as well. As soon as my bum was exposed we received fewer people approaching us trying to sell us stuff.

Juicelog Wed 050406: Final day of our holiday which was spent rushing about trying to cram everything into our suitcases as well as squeezing in the last couple of hours of sun. As much as I’m gonna be missing all the exercise, the all inclusive meals, the friendly waiters and the rays of Sharm I’m looking forward to coming back to gay ol’ Londres.